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Mr. Bill
04-04-2001, 02:04 PM
I spent half my life in Ga and TN so I can post this

1) Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day; so let them cook something they know.

2) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a difference whether it's RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.

3) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC (Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Ole Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

4) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke).

5) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the heck up, spend your money, and get the heck out of here.

6) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

7) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.

8) Don't talk about how much better things are at home, because we don't give a ****. If you don't like it here, take your butt home before we kick it.

9) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score; because we don't care.

10) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to, and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters.

11) Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying
to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your butt shot off. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box.

JT's TJ
04-04-2001, 02:17 PM
A variation on the theme...


Texas Travel Guide

Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice
useful.

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll
kick your ***.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ***.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a **** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
kick your ***.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious *** kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ***.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ***.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your *** kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your *** on home - before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ***.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your *** all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ***-just like
they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ***.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ***.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your *** out.

16) Enjoy your visit.

JT's TJ
04-04-2001, 02:22 PM
I think the stars actually make it funnier! Kinda like the bleeps in those NFL Films highlights.

Etnomaiab
04-04-2001, 03:28 PM
LOL :D

LOL :D

Warlock
04-04-2001, 07:16 PM
They are all too true the further south you go too. :D

whatever
04-04-2001, 09:08 PM
I also have would not recommend a river raft trip if you have a pretty mouth. :D

flip
04-04-2001, 10:25 PM
if ya go all the way south, ya can't understand anybody. went to key west and i had to muster up all of my patience just to order a sub at subway. the girl could barely speak english.

i personally enjoy the way southerners talk. :) it's entertaining if nothing else and much easier to understand than people from NYC.

JT's TJ
04-05-2001, 06:55 AM
When I was in college, I dated a girl from Arkansas... oh, I loved that accent!!